9/17/09 Thought

I need to dump some thoughts. My husband thinks one day I could write a book.

My son can be so sweet. Last Wed. or Th. while I was outside working on our patio he decided all on his own to make me a surprise. He made a "healthy snack with all my faves". He cut up a peach, apples and grapes arranged them in a bowl and dumped yogurt on top and he cut up some cucumbers, onion and baby carrots and arranged them in a bowl and put some dressing on top. He used the baby carrots and onions to spell LOVE. So sweet and so painfully well done. You could tell he wanted it to be just perfect. He came out to get me and show me and when I went in my first reaction was anger (as he had just cut up $10 worth of food with a knife that I now had to consume before it turned brown), but I held back just enough, then tears (why was I mad? This was my sweet child trying to come out and reach out to me all by himself), then finally a smile, a hug and a great deal of praise for the thoughtfullness. I broke my ever-strict diet and pigged out on some fruits and yogurt with him. It was good -- who new purple grapes and boston cream pie yogurt would taste so good -- maybe because my kid made it with a special ingrediant of selflessness, thoughtfulness and a lot of love. I did end up having to tell him to please ask before he creates in the kitchen, but I covered it up with lots of compliments and praise. I cherish these things and will probably use the grapes and yogurt thing at lots of family gatherings and I promise to give all the credit to the boy.

Last week was not good for the boy -- he's been having tons of trouble at school. The week ended with a call from the principal about a bus incident. Seems the older boys on the bus use bad language (and by older I mean the high schoolers -- our son goes to a school for behaviorally challenged that houses K-12). It also seems that our son and his little friend have picked up on it and told the bus driver to "shut the f@#$ up" and "kiss my a@#" and "kiss my boobies". The little boys accused the high schoolers of showing their privates as well. Major issues!!!! To top it all off the little boys concocted some sort of story to get themselves out of trouble and lied to the principal. AAAGH. Friday is supposed to be a happy day. It was my job to get the story from Dylan one more time and report it to the principal. The principal in turn added to my sons IEP that he needed a bus aid or to be on a bus with an aid -- I didn't know wether to let this happen or not. My gut said not to adjust the IEP just in case there was any future implication, but I went ahead and said I would. I never found out if the story I got was different from the story she got but he was assigned to a different bus by Monday afternoon. Interestingly enought ever since he changed buses he's not had as bad of days at school.

Tuesday was a nightmare!!! The therapists data sheet that we fill out daily was full front and back -- I actually thought I'd have to have 2. Terrible day at school but not as bad as last week, homework was a nightmare (I've been trying to have him do 1 problem per night since they really don't assign homework at this school, to get into the habit), soccer practice was an all out terror and the rest was bad too. Soccer practice is my real vent issue here. We have an agreement with the coach (who's a teacher) that if she needs us to assist with our son to wave us onto the field as we will always be at practices and games. She has utilized this with us. This evening our son was particularly nasty to a girl on the team. She took his ball from him (not in a bad "give it to me" way just in a "it's closer to me" kind of way) and he pushed her down and kicked her. I nearly jumped from the bleachers with anger, embarassment, humility, etc. I asked my husband -- do we need to get him? He said no the coach is to handle it and if she can't she'll get us. Our sons attitude continued, I sank further into the stand and the lump in my throat was the size of a grapefruit. I just felt like we should do something, but I was trying to hold steadfast and let my husband lead the family, as is the natural order per God. He seemed confident that the coach was handling it OK. Then our son spit on the same girl and the coach came to get my husband and he went willingly, dragged our son off the field, sat him down by the goal and proceeded to talk (I think he yelled mostly) to him about his behavior. Our son never went back into practice as he never regained composure all the while needing to be restrained. After practice we told him he would have to apologize to the girl -- well he couldn't understand why. His thought was that she started it because she took the ball. We explained the obvious -- irregardless of her taking the ball you were wrong to push, kick and spit on her. Our son just didn't get that he was in the wrong. Oh my, if we can't figure out a way to get this kid to understand he's going to end up in prison! He truly doesn't get that even though she may have been wrong for taking the ball that he was not entitled to hurt her. This is a trend I'm seeing more and more as he gets older. Just the other day he'd said something similar. Anyway, the girl had left before we got him calm so we couldn't make amends. My husband railed our son all the way home and our son was screaming at the top of his lungs all the way home, at home the railing continued. I could tell my husband was just trying to get it into our sons head and our son could not understand it. All the while I'm letting the railing go on praying that when I need to speak I will know God will tell me when it's time. I finally got the word to speak. I calmly (yah for me -- calm is the last thing I was and yah God for helping me be calm) stated "it's simple son if you do the right thing you won't be in trouble, we are here to guide you and help you learn what's right and if you have any question you can ask before you act". I explained what he did was wrong one last time and turned out the lights as his punishment was to go to bed when we got home with no story and no snack, no TV, no radio, no nothing his toys were even taken away. There's a lot more I could say here, but my main point is we are desperataly trying to do the right thing and teach what is right, but for some reason our son is not getting it and I can't figure out why.

Wednesday afternoon I received a phone call from parks and rec. Let me just say I only answerred the phone because I thought it was the school. I'm very, very sorry I answered it. He was calling to tell me the coach had filed a complaint about the incidents last night and that we needed to be there to discipline and teach our child right from wrong. He approached this in much the wrong way but judging us to be unconcerned unattentive parents who do just drop our kids at practice so someone else can watch them. His judgement of us was what pissed me off. We have done and are still doing everything in our power to teach this child right from wrong. I have been to hell and back and back to hell again. I explained Dylan's condition and that we had told the coach and if she needs us we are in the stands and will be happy to assist if she cannot handle him all she has to do is come and get us and that she has done this when she's needed to. He continued his judgemental rant and proceeded to tell me what I already knew that what happened was unacceptable, etc. Duh! I explained that I do not condone what happen at all and that our son did receive punishment and necessary explanation. I am still livid about the call. And it is so not about the reason -- I fully expected someone to call -- it was the way he approached it by judging and blaming. He has not a clue about our life or what goes on in our home. He made me feel like trash. After I told my husband he too was angry. I refrained from calling the coach as I new that it would only lead to an embarassing angry outburst that would further worsen our situation. Anyway, the guy told us if it happen again our son would be removed from the program. Fine with me. My husband and I talked at length about what we should discuss with the assistant coach at the game tomorrow and decided that we would stay next to Dylan on the field much the same as our therapist did last session and sit him down or out when things begin to go south.

This evening my husband remained as close to our son as he could on the sideline during the game and tried to talk with the assistant coach before the game but was the guy was somewhat rude to him and obviously not in the mood to discuss. After the game we had a talk with the assistant coach who happens to be a police officer. Let me just say this guy is wound up tighter than an 8 day clock and was very short, rude and took the attitude of "I have no use for you" because I've already judged you as junk. His son is autistic as well so he could understand the bahavior, but his son never has any trouble at school or in sports -- my response to this was "how nice for you" then you get it but you don't because our son is fine at home and acts out mainly in public and at school because that's where he is anxious. His kid is maybe anxious at home and not at school and in public -- I don't know. We explained what we talked with the head coach about (she was gone tonight) and that if that wasn't cool we wished she could have talked with us first, we also explained that our son was disciplined for the actions and that parks and rec handled there end of the deal very disrespectful and judgemental toward us. His response was that he's a cop and that was a libability and to protect the parks and rec they had to report it -- basically he passed the liability to us. He also stated that he was only coaching because they had no one else and he didn't want to because he has kids of his own and doesn't want to spend his time babysitting everyone elses kids and would gladly give up the position if someone would take it. He also stated that the coach keeps him away from our son and the other children. Which answers my question as to why the guy is always standing beside the goal instead of with the kids. So while all this nonsense was being spouted and getting nowhere I told him what we were doing last year and if he thought that would be ok to try -- he agreed. Then head coaches husband and the parks and rec guy came over and we had to start all over again. I did tell the parks and rec guy that I didn't appreciate his judgement, but that I agree with the severity of the incident. The head coaches husband was a bit more personable and agreed to pass the info on to his wife. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH! The funny thing is -- the girl that our son was aggressive towards last week was playing with him before the game and they were both playing together very nicely like nothing ever happened. Is that the lesson here, the big picture? I could tell my husband was livid as was I, and we discussed it further when we got home and came to the conclusion that we'll try it and if it doesn't work why then our son will just watch the rest of this session from the sidelines. The assistant coach seemed to not want us to come back in our opinion, but had to give us another chance. I pray next Tuesday at practice we will be led by grace to do what we need to do that is the best for our son and the safety of the other players without distrupting anyones fun or making a scene -- not what others think we should do, but what will help our son understand right and wrong. I also send out prayers to the coaches for the patience, wisdom and perserverence to teach these kids, but to also allow them to have fun while learning because none of them look like they're having too much fun. Matter of fact I've heard a few complaints from the kiddo's via their parents.

I'm sure there is much more to add, but the purpose is to get it off my chest so I can sleep.

9/9/09 Thoughts

What a great date. I can hardly wait till 10/10/10 just to see what awesome movie or whatever will be released.

Oh I must blog about school. The first week was great -- "Student of the Week" even -- I was so impressed. We cheered about it and praised him for it! He was proud of himself too which was so encouraging.

The second week good. We praised him for that as well. He even had homework a couple days. The first time he complained and tantrumed but got it done within 1/2 hour (unlike the usual 3 to 4 hours). The second night he brought it home he immediately completed it without any trouble. Oh boy what a treat and oh boy did he get priase for it. He earns tickets at school every week for good/positive/respectful behavior and this week he brought me home something -- what a thoughtful boy!

The 3rd week not so good and so on down the hill. I'm just at my whits end about how to help him understand common respect and social interaction. He's been his usual aggressive self with a whole lot of bad attitude and back talk thrown in. The other day he had an assignment to write "Why the Pledge of Allegiance is Important". He wrote something like "It's dum, my school is horrible and my teacher is mean. Love, ...." Wow -- even I was shocked at this. He also told the teacher that he didn't have to redo it because his mom wouldn't do anything about it anyway. Ha! He knows better than that he was just testing her. If anything is for sure it's that if he has homework it's to be done before any other reinforcing activity starts. So we did the homework and I added a little extra assignment which was to write 5 ways I can show respect to my teacher. He didn't know and basically wrote what I told him about how I would show respect to my teacher, but he did it. I'm also concerned that he is regressing back to far in his schoolwork -- he is transposing b's and d's again and not sounding out or spelling easy words well. I'll give this a couple more weeks, but it's on the radar.

Much to my surprise we have been awarded a partial scholar ship to the Autism Treatment Center of America. I am so jazzed. We have been wanting to do this program since a seminar we went to in June. With so many things implemented and unsuccessful it's hard to be too excited, but I have to tell you the little bit we got from the seminar worked positively immediately -- none of this "it will get worse before it gets better".

We do our best to teach him, but he just does not get it. I know it's hard for others to grasp -- shoot it's still hard for me to grasp, but he just does not tick the way "normal" folks do. We've tried this way and that way and every other way we could think of or our therapists could think of to no or little avail. I'm not even sure how to explain it, but his perspective is backwards kind of like his pain threshold -- if cut severely he won't even hardly notice but if gently nudged he will scream bloody murder.

I have great hope that this program will help us from and completely different and positive perspective (that's what I got from the seminar and all the references I've check anyway). It would be nice to have a relationship with him and bond with him on a larger level.

I have put all this going to the Autism Treatment Center in God's hands as if it is supposed to happen He will make sure it does. The hardest thing is humbling myself enough to ask for financial help. Oh, I hate it, but I feel it's OK this time. I think this might be the only time I've ever asked for financial help from anyone other than my parents and I think I've only asked them a few times. I'm also anxious about leaving for a week alone to a strange place, but am hopeful they have a spa or something relaxing to do in the evening as the time to destress is much overdo. It would be nice to come home recharged, full of information and ready to make lasting, impactful changes.

These blogs are starting to sound like I'm constantly complaining about my son. It's not my intention to only report the bad things, but it is my intention to use this blog to get them off my chest so I hope not to depress anyone who may read it, but it's a bit of therapy for dear old mom.