7/15/09 Thoughts

Another day another afternoon of meltdown -- more broken things and more bruises for me. While we were installing our door at midnight last night we decided our son should work off his debt to pay for the back door by doing chores at an hourly rate until it is paid for. When I sat him down to explain this afternoon it was met with a huge tantrum and resistance. In the meantime I had to cancel a play date as per our behavior plan rules and you guessed it another meltdown. I have figured out that my son will use guilt to win a battle. He has a very slick way of making us feel like we are at fault. I really don't know what parent would just forget about a second broken door (maybe our mistake was letting him off easy for the first one), but that's what my son expected was for us to just forget about it. What get's me is that he still hasn't shown any remorse for the whole thing or apologized in any way. He doesn't even seem to understand what he did was wrong. I wonder if he really can't see the wrong in it. I know that if I had done that same thing I would have had to pay for it via work and deducted allowances, be grounded and probably got a good lecture. My husband says when he did it he received a spanking for each dollar it cost to replace it. I know for a fact I would have felt terrible and done everything in my power to make it right -- my son doesn't seem to care.

I am nearly ready to put him into day camp and be let someone else deal with him -- who knows maybe he'll be happier there. Maybe it is just me. Oops there I go again. The therapist keeps telling me I'm doing all the right things and it's not me it's him and he is responsible for his actions, which is true, but I still can't let go of the fact that I am the parent and it's my responsibility to raise a moral and respectful citizen.

On a happier note he is making friends and seems to be playing nicely with other kids for the most part. This is a huge step -- he used to be so afraid of other kids. Some parents of ASD kids are elated when there kids speak for the first time or tell them they love them or look them in the eye -- my elation comes when I see my child happily playing with other kids and enjoying life as it should be -- just having fun with no therapists, psychiatrists or docters involved! That will bring a tear of joy to my eye every time.

I hope that in a month or a year from now I'll be able to look back on these things and see the lesson in it that God is trying to teach -- I have a feeling I know what it is right now, but maybe I am just too stubborn to get it. All I know is there is a reason and things do get better as time goes on. I am to a point now where I am willing to let my son make his own mistakes -- I've finally figured out he doesn't listen to my warnings or guidance anyway.