7/14/09 Thoughts

I have wanted to blog about our families journey with Asperger's for a long time. And, it seems today is the day. Through this blog I hope to purge some long festering issues, help others understand what a family with a child diagnosed with Asperger's may be going through, and to make others in a similar situation aware that they are not alone. So here we go...

Today, our in-home behavior therapist came over to observe a typical day between mom and son. It started out OK, I was cleaning out the car and he was helping (helping is a rarity so I was pleased). My son soon tired of helping and migrated toward the therapist. She, being here only to observe, ingnored and redirected his attention. After many attempts to redirect a stick hit the windshield of the car while I was in it, followed by a bout of screaming, yelling, and name calling. The therapist took off her observation hat quickly. To make an hour long story short, he ended up breaking the screen door and the door glass. He was sent to his room to regain calm, again, and jumped out of his window. He was corralled back into his room to calm down for what seemed like the 20th time (but more like the 5th). He did finally stay in his room and regain composure and told he could come out of his room when ready. When he did come out he took a seat near me and the therapist -- we were all quiet for a minute. What broke the silence was this wonderfully innocent comment "Mom, there weren't very many June bugs this year". Tears poured out as I looked away so he couldn't see me and I responded as best I could "Well, maybe that's because it's July." I'm crying writing about it. It's rare that I see these glimpses of my sweet boy and when I do it just overwhelms me. I have to maintain a very strong sense of control in myself when I'm with him that I sometimes forget who we really are in our heart and we are wonderful.

My son's high need for attention is the majority of our problems -- he needs attention the way he wants it, when he wants it, and how he wants it nearly 12 hours a day or he's not happy. Let me tell you -- this is an impossible task. It kills me that I can't connect with my son and give him contentment. It kills me that he would rather spend time with anyone but me or his dad. But, if you look at the facts the reason he wants to be with those other people is because he's getting the attention he so desires. I asked the therapist if I wasn't doing enough or too much or if maybe I should just hand him over to someone else who could give him a better life -- she assures me I am doing a fine job. I wish I could believe her. Over the course of the blog I hope I can begin to see through my writing that I am doing the best I can. I don't ignore my child -- I actually do quite a bit with him, but it's never enough for him. He hates me and complains about all the opportunities I provide like play dates, games, park, pool, structured play, crafts, soccer, books, movies, vacations, outtings with grandparents, the list goes on and nothing is good enough. Now I am just rambling so that's my post for today. Just let it be known that I truly love my son and desperately wish I could find that connection with him. Now I am off to Home Depot to replace our second broken glass for the year. Oh yeah, not only does the medical profession love the bank they make from Asperger's kids so does Home Depot.