7/28/09 Thoughts

Yesterday evening my son had a headache. I took it for what it was and gave him a cold rag and told him that the best thing for a headache was a nap. He woke up from his nap still complaining of a headache (there is a point to all these boring details I promise). I fed him and gave him fluids thinking he may be a bit dehydrated as it was hot. I had given him the last of the Children's Tylenol that morning and not replaced it so I called the nurse line for advice as to weather I could give him 1/2 an Aleve (the answer was no). I then went to check on him and he was complaining of being dizzy so I took his temp -- it was 102.4. Momma freaked a bit inside at that number. I asked him if he felt like he could go to the drug store for meds and he said he could not. He had a cool rag on his head, but I went to get a cool rag for his body and an ice pack. I called his dad and told him to stop and get the meds on his way home.

So, for the hour in between I sat with my child, placing cool rags on his head, holding him and stroking his back while watching him come in and out of sleep. I took his temp about every 15 minutes to see that it did not go up (luckily it went down a bit). While I did this I was touched. I could see my sweet little one and the loving gestures that are so few and far between being genuinly appreciated. Why are these loving gestures so few and far between? The behaviors and the behavior plans get in the way and build resentment, confusion and avoidance. The shaky balance we strive for is so easily tipped to one side and it's hard to get back up once you've been tipped over. I prayed over my child for healing, for God to give us one more chance, because at the time it seemed that after so many dramatic things happening that maybe God was trying to get our attention -- duh. I realized in those moments that if I lost this child I would no longer be able to go on -- I needed to make things right with my child to get back up on the balance beam and walk it. I prayed and cried and cried and prayed. I stared at my child and renewed his beauty in my mind; refreshed his true spirit in my heart (who my child truly is -- not what ASD complicates).

Not long before the meds arrived my son awoke for a moment. I gave him a choice "Would you like mommy to stay with you or leave you alone so you can get some rest?" He chose for me to leave and my heart broke -- he either didn't need me anymore or he didn't want me anymore. I don't know if I ever want to know why he made that choice as the latter would hurt so bad. I complied and left him alone to rest.

I went back to cleaning the kitchen floor and luckily not long after the meds arrived. I gave him his dose and sat with him for a little while and returned to my tasks.

While doing my bible study I was riddled with fear that maybe this fever was an infection caused by the cut he'd gotten on his foot in Omaha so I got back on the phone to the nurse line. She did not think they were related and my mind was put at ease. I think I am gun shy with this kid because every time I think it's nothing it's usually something much bigger than I'd ever dreamed (our son has a way of overreacting to the small things and not reacting at all to the big ones). After this call I was able to go to bed.

Not long after being in bed my husband wakes me up saying Dylan is in his room calling for you and scratching at his bed. I rushed down to him. He was obviously hallucinating and in sheer terror (this has happen before with pain meds and its also happen with prozac). I laid down with him, held him and comforted him until he was calm. Then I asked him if he was going to be OK, took his temp and went back to my bed.

This morning I woke up thanking God that the fever had broken and I still had another chance with my child to make it right. If you can't tell, I still have a ton of guilt and self blame for my sons behaviors.

Today my son was an absolutely wonderful child all day -- very helpful, polite, willing and kind. I am grateful for this day and pray for many more just like it. I wonder if my som realized that mommy really does still care and love him dearly.

I always remember Dr. Phil saying that children need a soft place to fall. And sometimes when dealing with ASD children the soft place is not there enough because we're always worried about dealing with a behavior the right way or on guard for any triggers. In a way his illness last night helped us to relax and not worry about ASD for just the right amount of time.

Thank you for the lesson Lord. And, thank you Lord for making it an easy lesson. I pray that I can take this lesson with me in day-to-day life from now on and leave with you the sadness and self-blame that ASD brings.

One more prayer request. Please keep Dylan safe at the water park tomorrow! We've not had the best of luck this year and he is actually afraid to go after being hurt at 2 this year. Give him good judgement and common sense as he plays and enjoys his day Lord. Thank you. Amen.